That mysterious, intangible sense that something is wrong is elusive. If the anesthesia is removed, and the leap into the unknown is taken, where would freedom end – or would it?
Morality is like hunger. It creeps up, and makes itself known, as though there is nothing else important. But though it is not necessarily mandatory to satiate, pushing off that sense of guilt is preferable.
What kinds of things push away guilt? And guilt of what? A good dose of emotional, spiritual, or generally deep conversation (complete with tears) goes a long way in filling the gaps an otherwise great life, right?
I have had a season in my life where I felt a tremendous sense of guilt when I wasn’t thinking about God. It was the “fulfillment subject”. Everything else was empty and desolate. Talking about bananas, biking, doing research, or the dishes wasn’t fulfilling, and I felt a gnawing hole that thoughts of God alone would feel. His creation was not enough, because His creation didn’t have the religious dimensions or His name explicitly in them. I needed God to be superimposed over everything, with only a small occupancy left to see everything else. I look back now, I find that I was sick. I was living in a land of guilt and complacency. I wanted to escape, but afraid to leave my dead-end job.
Certainly these pricks of guilt are an indication of us not leaving what we know is wrong, but not evil, what is not per-say killing us, but not letting us really live. Is an occasional dose of emotion enough to release us into a lifetime of freedom, or is it merely maintaining a band-aid on that broken leg? If the belief that there is no absolute right or wrong exists, then why is there a guilt that arises as though one has committed a moral infraction? What if guilt is actually an internal alarm system that one’s life is lacking what it really needs? And perhaps the individual in question is aware of the decision that will lead to freedom, but is afraid of the risks in taking it?
What is your anesthesia? Is it the ever-obvious drugs? Certainly not hard narcotics, but pot, or maybe just some pain relievers that do their job perfectly fine, so quadruple the dosage is not an adverse plan in a particular moment. Maybe it’s porn, but not hard-core content, but rather soft porn. Maybe it’s Coffee, looking to that grande double shot twice a day to both buzz you with a caffeine jolt, and lift your spirits with a sweet murmuring. Maybe it is video games, or reeactments, since video games didn’t offer the community that really brought the sense of fulfillment needed. These a few potential are scenarios of those who are good people that have just gotten bored with their limited formal life, and have found informal avenues to supplement into their life to keep the taste of freedom present.
But what would be freedom, if there were no obstacles in the way? What if the risks were not there? What would it put a particular individual? Would it end at the perceived goal, or would it continue to grow, as freedom has no boundaries? Is freedom unrealistic, as it is unreachable, and if it were, it would last for a time, and then lead to burnout? The question is: Is the life of guilt-numbing a life at all, or is it merely existence?